What's Missing from our New Year's Resolutions

The "new" year is looming now that Christmas has passed. What does this mean for you?

For many, the "new" year has connotations of a "new" life - new habits, new thoughts and feelings, new goals, new dreams...and if you are anything like me and most people I know, all of this focus on what we want to do differently soon fizzles. Some of us don't make it past week 1.

I find myself reflecting on this conundrum this year rather than the usual "I need to _________ more" this year. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we so raring to go come January 1, yet by January 4th we are already questioning our decision in light of our waning motivation?

Don't get me wrong: I think goal setting and self-improvement are important processes for our well-being. Setting new challenges for ourselves to work towards surely helps us to learn and grow. But what ELSE do we need in order to be one of the minority who actually follows through and reaches their goals?

Some would say "willpower" or "motivation"; others might say "commitment". Still others might say a "solid action plan" or a "growth mindset". As a person who has set goals many times and failed to follow through on most of those goals, I find myself really thinking about the times I have followed through to answer this question, and I think a few things are necessary in order to maintain the focus and drive to achieve our goals:

1. A very strong "why" or vision of success: basically, the result of achieving the goal has to be clearly envisioned and more compelling than the result of not achieving the goal. And by compelling, I mean deeply, emotionally compelling. The pain of not taking the action has to be greater than the pain of keeping things as it. And you have to be able to clearly see yourself after the goal has been achieved, how significantly the change will benefit you. If you can't envision what you REALLY want and the incredible benefits you will reap, it is sort of like playing golf in the fog - you can't see the goal, so you can't plan to reach the goal, so you likely won't reach the goal, so what's the point in starting anyway? And if the goal would only mildly improve your current situation, then the effort it takes to reach the goal may not be worth the work. If a goal is very difficult or arduous to attain, then the end benefit would need to be fairly significant. That is not to say that people don't work towards smaller goals, but generally speaking, the result must be clear and it has to be worth the effort. People often require frequent reminders of what their reasons are in order to keep feeling compelled or driven to stay on track.

2. Opportunities for success along the way: we are often encouraged to keep going when we see evidence that we are moving in the right direction - especially when the journey is difficult and arduous. For instance, weight loss is perhaps one of the most frustrating goals to achieve for many people. There are so many factors that affect it so it is very easy to get discouraged. When we get discouraged we start to think we might not be ABLE to reach our goal, and once that belief has set in, it is very difficult to turn it around. Most successful weight loss stories include small rewards for small victories: celebrating the first 5 lbs, then 10, then 20, then 50 and so on, so that you can achieve success and know what it feels like as you move in the right direction. Your changes in behavior and habits are reinforced regularly.

Again, a person's ability to stick with the program might also depend on how big the goal is. If you were desperate to lose 100 lbs., there are multiple times you could celebrate your success: the inches you lose that are reflected in how your clothing fits, the weight on the scale, the clear changes to your body shape and tone, the cheers of family and friends. Someone with only 10 lbs. to lose might be dedicated enough to just give it their all (because 10 lbs. isn't that much after all) but I have known MANY such people who take months to lose such a small amount. I believe it is partly because losing 10 lbs. is not going to change their lives significantly, the way it would for someone who has to lose 100 lbs.; but I think there are fewer chances for celebrating success, as well. You wouldn't see the clothing fit too differently, each pound may take excruciatingly long to drop, others likely wouldn't notice to cheer you on. There isn't a lot of reinforcement - you would have to look for very small successes to celebrate in order to keep going. (of course I realize that there are many reasons to lose weight that don't really have to do with a number on a scale and more to do with other measurements; this is just an example.)

3. Moral support: we all need someone to be in our corner, to encourage us, to reinforce the changes we are making, to help us reset when we fall off the track, to help us forgive ourselves when we lapse. As a frequent goal setter, I think this aspect of goal achieving has been under-rated. Many of the folks I have spoken to do not share their goals with anyone else; they keep them private, either in their head or in a "journal" of some sort. In some of the conversations I have been a part of, some people feel as though setting a goal reflects some "lack" or "deficiency" in ourselves, and we just don't want others to know about it. We feel weak and vulnerable sharing this aspect of ourselves, but it is also "safer" if no one knows about it in case we fail. Most of the group did fail in their efforts.

One guy I was talking to said he was tired of his "supporters" becoming the nags, pointing out instances when he might be off-track and using the opportunity to shame him publicly. This, unfortunately, came up more than once. This is certainly not the kind of support that most of us would need or want, unless you are the type of person who fights nagging and shame with increased vigour and determination. Most of the folks in my group felt that this type of behaviour would undermine their efforts and play in to the negative beliefs they are already struggling to overcome through working towards their goal, but they agreed that they would appreciate having someone to encourage them.

Some folks out there are able to reach their goals without ever sharing them with others. I think in those cases, people are still receiving some form of moral support, although perhaps that encouragement comes in the form of inspirational stories or quotes, positive self-talk they have developed, or even just surrounding themselves with folks who are engaging in the same behaviours they want to adopt. Running clubs or a fitness group, for example: in going to these groups, you surround yourself with people all engaging in a healthy behaviour that MIGHT be helpful to reaching their goals and yours, but they usually don't stand around talking about them. But one could be encouraged to keep going, to show up to class as they feel more familiar and friendly towards their classmates, and thus to work towards a health goal or a social goal without anyone being the wiser to it. And there are some people who are just really good at finding something to monitor or measure in order to be aware of their progress and small successes, and that is enough to keep them going. They are their own moral support.

My point is that some sort of support is important in achieving goals as well, and in fact, I remember reading (and hearing!) that goals that are shared with someone else are more likely to be achieved. I'm sure there are studies to look up to get the specifics, but it does ring true. A little accountability or a little moral support can go a long way.

So this year, I will set a goal as I usually do. But this year, I will also really consider my goal carefully. I will ensure that it is meaningful and strongly compelling to achieve, that I break the goal down into smaller steps to celebrate, and that I reach out to some trusted folks for that important moral support when my own self-talk and circumstances threaten to dampen my drive. I am hopeful that I can stay on track this time!